A Griever’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays
For those of us who are grieving a loved one, the holidays can feel like we are walking into a field of landmines. So many things can trigger our grief. A resource I return to year after year is the “Holiday Grief Support Guide,” put together by the folks at What's Your Grief. The guide has so many ideas for getting through this period – from how to remember loved one’s during the holidays, to balancing your grief with children’s holiday expectations, to making New Year’s resolutions for grievers. The following are just a few ideas to help us get through the next month.
Plan ahead. Do not just think you can go on autopilot, be intentional. Think about the elements that will be hardest for you and make a plan to navigate these times. Identify who you want (and don’t want) to spend time with. Talk to those you want to be with about what you are looking forward to and what you are worried about. Think of tangible ways they can support you and give them a “role.”
Decide what to do about traditions. The holidays are often filled with tradition “landmines.” Again, take the time to think about what traditions will be the hardest to face. Brainstorm ways to make these elements easier. It is also okay to skip traditions this year that just feel too hard or change a tradition. It doesn’t mean this tradition can’t come back next year. If you are skipping a tradition, decide what you will do instead – don’t just leave void.
Find ways to remember your loved ones. The missing of your loved one will be everywhere this season – it literally is the “Ghost of Christmas’ (or Hanukkah) Past.” Once more, think about ways you will incorporate them into your holidays this year (are you starting to see the theme – be intentional!). Bringing them into your holidays is really the best way to feel close to them and fill their absence. A few ideas include, lighting a nightly candle in their honor, making their favorite recipes, displaying photos, donating to or volunteering at a cause they loved.
Take care of yourself. Make a plan for how you will cope when things get tough. Brainstorm some strategies and write them down. Put them on your fridge or as a Note on your phone. Will you exercise, call a friend, write in a journal, meditate? Give yourself permission to cry or even be a “bah humbug.” It’s going to happen, be your own best friend and give yourself grace. Finally, preemptively schedule an hour here every day for a time out. Refer to your list for how to spend that time.
For those of us supporting a friend or loved one during the holidays who is grieving, here are a few tips for how you can show up for them:
Invite but don't push. Extend offers to have your friend join you for things, but don’t insist. And don’t be put off if they change their mind last minute and decide to come or decide not to come to something. Your understanding and nonjudgement are more valuable than gold.
Send a thoughtful holiday card. Take a minute and drop them a card, acknowledging their loss and reaffirming your support to them. Sure, you can send a text, say it in person, but somehow a written note with postage can solidify your intentions.
Consider a memorial gift or donation. Honoring their loved one with a gift to a charity they cared about or to one your friend cares about, it a wonderful way to show your love and reminding your friend the legacy of their loved one lives on.
Listen without minimizing, judging, or giving advice. Just show up, listen, and be present. Consider that people who are suffering often need at least one of the following – to be hear, held, or helped. More often than not, it’s one of the first two when you are grieving.
Finally, remember grief doesn’t only impact the first holiday season. Reach out to friends who may have lost people several years ago. Grief isn’t always fresh around the holidays. It can be tough every year. Check in with folks you love.
Even in grief, the holidays can be a time for us to find solace, but doing so requires a bit of forethought. I hope the above strategies provide a few ideas for how you and your loved ones can navigate the next month and provides a means for finding moments of joy and peace. Please feel free to reach out to me for additional ideas and support.
Wishing all of you a peaceful and grateful holiday season.
