Giving Thanks
As this is the month of Thanksgiving, I wanted to spend some time sharing some of the ways we can honor and thank those we have loved and known before and after their passing.
1. Write a Letter. One of the most important – and simplest – ways is to just say it. You can tell them face to face or write them a letter. As part of our end-of-life planning work at Good Death Matters, we also help our clients, and their families write letters to their loved ones before they die. If they have already passed, consider writing a letter to their survivors, sharing stories and letting them know how their loved one has impacted your life. When writing a letter or thinking about what you want to say, consider the following:
a. Make it personal. Think about who you are talking or writing to. Not all friends and family will appreciate the same message. Some will take comfort in humor; others will want a more somber tone. Personalize your message based on their needs.
b. Be specific. This is your opportunity to make sure nothing is left unsaid. This can be a critical way to provide closure and peace to you and your loved ones. Use specific memories to craft your message. If you are writing to someone younger, include any advice you want them to keep in mind throughout their life.
c. Show gratitude. A last conversation or a letter is one last time to validate your relationship. This is your opportunity to put your gratitude for this person into words. Tell them exactly what they mean to you and that you will cherish those memories always.
d. Let them know how they will live on in your life after their passing. For those writing or talking with someone who is dying, let them know how their presence will carry on for you. Maybe it is a recipe or a cherished possession, or a song, or a place – let them know how you will keep their spirit with you.
e. Let them know you’ll be okay. Again, if you are talking or writing to someone who is dying, it can be critical to let them know you will be okay, and that it is okay for them to go. Avoid messages of non-acceptance, such as “keep fighting” or “I know you’ll beat this.” Instead reassure them about how loved they are, how you will be okay, how you will remember them, and that it’s okay to let go.
2. Give Back. Another great way to honor someone who has dies, is to volunteer or donate to a cause that was important to them. It is one of the most powerful ways to make sure their legacy lives on in the good work these organizations do.
3. Create a Tribute. Whether it is a photo album of their life, a book of favorite recipes, a quilt, or a recorded video interview with them before their passing, putting together a tangible tribute of their life and who they were helps keep their memory alive. At Good Death Matters we specialize in capturing oral histories of loved ones to create meaningful videos and photo essays of one’s life.
4. Cherish Keepsakes. Before my mom died, she asked us to pick out some items from her belongings that we wanted. I now have these things scattered throughout my house. It is so lovely to look around a room and see an item of hers and feel her presence. Through these quiet, inanimate objects she lives on in my day-to-day life and brings me comfort.
5. Create New Traditions. Finally, consider creating a new tradition among your loved one’s survivors that honors them. For example, during her life, my mom used to send me and my siblings the craziest presents. We’d get a box of somewhat random items for our birthdays or for Christmas. After she passed, we started a new tradition amongst ourselves of sending each other similar types of presents for our own birthdays. We even recreate her often “haiku-like” birthday card inscriptions. Not only is it nice to get a present from our sister or brother, but we also feel we are getting yet another gift from her.
These are just some of the ways we can express our thanks and cherish our memories with our loved ones who have passed. At Good Death Matters we are happy to support you as you develop your own way to honor and memorize the lives of those you love. Contact us today to learn more.
