“I don’t care, I’ll be dead”

As a Death Doula, I often get this response when I ask a client to describe what arrangements they want for their memorial. And yes, while this is technically a true statement - they will be dead, so it won’t really matter to them – I have found that most people 1) do care, and actually have some ideas about what they want for their memorial, and 2) putting those ideas down in writing is a blessing to their loved ones in their time of grief.

After someone we love dies, we can find ourselves in “brain fog.” This is a natural symptom of grief whereby your brain interprets grief as trauma and begins to shut down to protect itself. This can result in forgetfulness, lack of clarity, difficulty making decisions, and a lack of focus. While these symptoms abate over time, unfortunately they can be in full force when we are tasked with planning a memorial service. For this reason, taking the time to spell out our wishes for our memorials is truly a gift to our survivors.

As you think about your own memorial, here are some questions to consider:

1)     What is your overall vision for your memorial (big/small, religious/ non, inside/outside, etc.)?

2) What do you not want to happen?

3)     Where do you want it held?

4)     What music, readings, or rituals do you want?

5)    What types of flowers, food, drink, decorations do you want?

6)     Who do you want to attend? Any key roles you want people to play?

It is important to be as specific as possible. If you want it in a church or a park, name the place. If you want specific music or readings, name those. Pull together a contact list of who you want to be invited. The more decisions you make ahead of time, the fewer your loved ones will need to make. And remember, it’s as important to name what you don’t want as much as what you want as well.

I also work with clients to write their own obituaries and pick out the photographs of themselves that they want shown after their death. Again, doing this work for your survivors alleviates the burden on them to pull this together and gives them the space they need to grieve.

One final note, sometimes, when going through this process, a client will decide they don’t want to miss out on their memorial and so we will pivot and plan for a Living Funeral as a way to say goodbye to their friends and family in person. A Living Funeral can be a celebration of their life – more festive in tone than perhaps a memorial but often containing many of the same components. One big difference is the opportunity for the person being honored to say a few words to the guests.

These are just a few ideas for you to think about as you consider how you would like to be honored. If you’d like help fleshing out your own memorial, please feel free to reach out and set up a time to work with me. I’d love to help!